FACING MY FEARS....

Okay well here we go...I am about to put all my business out there. (I really do hope that someone can find strength and motivation to face their fears and make changes in their own lives) I will prep you that this is most likely going to be a long winded post... Most of you that are close to me know that I had the lap band procedure done June 11, 2009...if you didn't, you know now!! This is pretty much what the procedure looks like when completed...

The basic idea, like that of stomach stapling, is to reduce the size of the stomach then allowing a person to feel full faster and in turn be a tool to assist them in loosing weight. By no means is this meant to "make you" skinny, more give a person the assistance needed to reach the goal they have that is so far away. Having unsuccessfully battling with my weight since I was 5 years of age, I made the decision to have the lap band procedure. For me, this was not an easy decision, this was what I considered to be my LAST resort. I did not make this decision with the ultimate goal of just being skinny. In 2000 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and in 2004 with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which both promoted weight gain and hindered weight loss. Both basically consist of hormone imbalances and the lack of my body's willingness to work as it was suppose to. The main concerns for me was the increased risk of diabetes and uterine cancer, which I was basically told was inevitable if I neglected to get my weight under control. However, the worst thing for me was the horrible word of INFERTILITY...growing up you often think about having a family and how many children you are going to have..what you don't ever consider is that you may be one of those people who CAN'T!!! PCOS, was the culprit... PCOS affect weight and then weight affects PCOS... feel free to Google it..there is a lot more information out there about it these days. But to sum it up..when your ovary is suppose to release an egg to be fertilized, it instead chooses not to release it and instead turns it into a cyst on your ovaries..no egg to fertilize = no baby!!

So for me..this was my ultimate motivation to lose weight....however, there was FEAR!!??!!? This is my last option..what if it doesn't work? Am I ready to face the reality of not being able to beat this? Am I ready to face the possibility that I may not be able to have a baby? Am I ready to deal with people thinking I am taking the easy way out? Am I ready??? Well obviously, I made the decision to take the chance and have the procedure. In the first year I did lose about 50 pounds and I have kept about 40 of that off. However, after my first year, I had completed all pre-paid appointments....hadn't reached the "happy place" that many "banders" talk about that assist you in feeling satisfied and aides you in your weightless. Instead I was still hungry the same amount, able to eat pretty much the same amount, and was told that I should work out more (even though I was working out 2 1/2 hours a day 5 days a week) I was told that with the amount of weight I had to lose I should try 3 hours 7 days a week!!!! WHO CAN DO THAT ON A DAILY BASIS!! Not only that my year was up and I couldn't afford the appointments anymore... $120.00 an appointment regardless if you got an adjustment...That was May 2010. I began to feel defeated....my fears were coming true...I had failed...I HAD FAILED...despite continuing to go through the motions and struggle I felt a great since of failure...not only that, everyone who knew I had the procedure could obviously see I failed..I had lost some weight..but not what was expected.

So almost 2 years later....what has changed??? ME....my desire to fight has been renewed...I encountered someone the other day, that frankly doesn't need a baby. This made me ANGRY..MORE ANGRY THAN I HAVE BEEN IN A REALLY LONG TIME...THE KIND OF ANGRY THAT MAKES YOU GET UP AND DO SOMETHING!!! I can't give up...If I'm going to lose this battle with my weight, and what I consider the ultimate battle of being able to have a child...I'M GOING DOWN WITH A FIGHT!! I have gone back to the doctor, in fact I have switch doctors...discovered I didn't fail...I was given a larger band that most and as a result..their is no way the amount of fill I have could begin to assist me!!! My doctor NEVER told me this... so I got a second opinion...I have healthy foods in my fridge...and to get my butt to the gym...I took the position of daycare worker from 6:15pm to 7:00pm M-F so that when the class is over, I am already at the gym and then MUST do the 7:00pm kickboxing class...because I can't very well work at gym now and not work out can I :0) So wish me luck... I go to the doctor on the 29th...I start the daycare at the gym tomorrow... and the healthy foods are in my fridge today...hopefully FACING MY FEARS will ultimately help you FACE YOURS!!!