FOCUSED!!!

Since my last doctor appointment on the 29th, a week and a half ago, I have lost 5.5 pounds. I am at the lowest weight I have been in a long time 234.4 and I am striving to get to 226 by the end of the month, that will be the lowest I have been in 3 years!!! I have started watching "YouTube" ...yes I said started :0)...I am amazed at how many "banders", people who have had lap-band or gastric bypass, document their journey on youtube. Anyway, I am addicted!!! The stories of others have been so encouraging. I have been able to hear different advice that their doctors have given them and the "rules" they follow that helped them reach their goal...this has helped me decide how to structure my own journey. I was also happy today to stumble across someone who had been diagnosed with PCOS and was banded. I was so happy to find out that yes it is a fact that if you have PCOS it is still more difficult for you to lose weight than someone else who has been banded and does not have PCOS!!! I HATE to use PCOS as an excuse...I feel so often that the reason is just ME...and yes part of it is..like when I gave up...but to know that yes it is a fact that it is harder and will take longer because I have PCOS just makes me feel better. So what are some "RULES" that I am adding to my journey: 1. Eat between 800 - 1000 calories a day When I first heard this I thought there is NO WAY...but I must remember that I am banded and can't eat much at a time anyway...so today I tracked my calories to see where they fell in this ratio... and I landed at 824 calories. This was with me eating 3 meals and 1 snack. A new product I love, recommended by my doctor, is the Atkins Meal Replacement Bar.

This is my favorite so far! I actually look forward to eating it and I normally HATE protein bars they are so gross and lack flavor but these bars taste like a peanut butter cup :)(tricking the mind) 2. Minimum of 210 minutes of exercise a week = 30min/7days a week. So this is my MINIMUM goal for each week...what I skip one day ...must me made up the next. 3. Count your calories..yes I talked about how many I am going to eat but you must count them , write them, and keep track of them to ultimately keep yourself accountable. Well that is all the rules for now...I am sure I will find some more to help me along this path. BIG DECISION....so I have decided I am going to start training (scary word for a fat girl) for a 5k.

Scary to even put that out there but I want to do it. I want to train and run/walk or crawl one around the begining/middle of June...right after my 31st birthday. I want this as a birthday gift to myself. I am also hoping to make it to "ONEDERLAND" by then as well. For those out there that don't know what "ONEDERLAND" is...it is the majical world of weighing under 200 pounds and reaching 199.9 :)...gotta have that .9 in there because it still qualifies you for ONEDERLAND!!! For me ONEDERLAND is exactly 34.5 pounds away. I know that is a huge feat for such a short period...I would like to be there but to just be close would be just as fabulous by that time frame. So that is my update for now...if you should venture to YOUTUBE and seek out motivation...look up bandedwendy and skymoon1982...they are great inspirations....

ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF!!!

Okay so today I had my Lap-Band appointment with my new doctors at Ft. Worth Lap Band. I was so impressed with them...they were kind,thorough,supportive, listened, and to sum it up AMAZING!!! While I was there I ran into a man who was transferring from Austin and basically had the same experience that I did...aka un-supportive medical staff. Now this is not to bash medical staff in general, because obviously I love my new medical miracle workers :)....However,when partnering a life time struggle with medical staff that do not listen to their patients, it can be a nightmare!!!

I will own my part though, I GAVE UP..and not only that, my biggest mistake was NOT ADVOCATING FOR MYSELF. Crazy enough, I am a social worker that spends everyday all day advocating for others and for some reason felt that when it came to my own life, "Doctor Knows Best", never considering MY doctor's could be WRONG!!! So what do I have to share from this experience that may help you...INVESTIGATE YOUR OPTIONS. I assumed that all Lap-Band doctors had to do the exact same thing and that I was the problem....Yes, at times you may be the problem, however, DO NOT ASSUME..investigate. It is your body, your health, and your future....seek answers and do not give up until you have a definitive answer for your problem. Bottom line...YOU HAVE A VOICE..SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF!!!

Update...so far things have been going okay. Eating has been mostly on target and I have been doing kickboxing at least 3 days a week. My biggest struggle is finding a way to cope when stressed. In the past I have relied on fried foods and chocolate to ease my stress.

Tomorrow is my doctor appointment in Ft. Worth with the new Lap-Band doctor. I am interested to see what he has to say, if I get a fill, and what the next few weeks hold for me. I have 101.5 pounds left to reach my goal...How daunting a task that is. What in the world will I look like a total of 147 pound less than my highest weight...I will have lost more weight than I will weight INSANE!!! Still optimistic

, still pushing forward, determined to reach my goal!!!

FACING MY FEARS....

Okay well here we go...I am about to put all my business out there. (I really do hope that someone can find strength and motivation to face their fears and make changes in their own lives) I will prep you that this is most likely going to be a long winded post... Most of you that are close to me know that I had the lap band procedure done June 11, 2009...if you didn't, you know now!! This is pretty much what the procedure looks like when completed...

The basic idea, like that of stomach stapling, is to reduce the size of the stomach then allowing a person to feel full faster and in turn be a tool to assist them in loosing weight. By no means is this meant to "make you" skinny, more give a person the assistance needed to reach the goal they have that is so far away. Having unsuccessfully battling with my weight since I was 5 years of age, I made the decision to have the lap band procedure. For me, this was not an easy decision, this was what I considered to be my LAST resort. I did not make this decision with the ultimate goal of just being skinny. In 2000 I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and in 2004 with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which both promoted weight gain and hindered weight loss. Both basically consist of hormone imbalances and the lack of my body's willingness to work as it was suppose to. The main concerns for me was the increased risk of diabetes and uterine cancer, which I was basically told was inevitable if I neglected to get my weight under control. However, the worst thing for me was the horrible word of INFERTILITY...growing up you often think about having a family and how many children you are going to have..what you don't ever consider is that you may be one of those people who CAN'T!!! PCOS, was the culprit... PCOS affect weight and then weight affects PCOS... feel free to Google it..there is a lot more information out there about it these days. But to sum it up..when your ovary is suppose to release an egg to be fertilized, it instead chooses not to release it and instead turns it into a cyst on your ovaries..no egg to fertilize = no baby!!

So for me..this was my ultimate motivation to lose weight....however, there was FEAR!!??!!? This is my last option..what if it doesn't work? Am I ready to face the reality of not being able to beat this? Am I ready to face the possibility that I may not be able to have a baby? Am I ready to deal with people thinking I am taking the easy way out? Am I ready??? Well obviously, I made the decision to take the chance and have the procedure. In the first year I did lose about 50 pounds and I have kept about 40 of that off. However, after my first year, I had completed all pre-paid appointments....hadn't reached the "happy place" that many "banders" talk about that assist you in feeling satisfied and aides you in your weightless. Instead I was still hungry the same amount, able to eat pretty much the same amount, and was told that I should work out more (even though I was working out 2 1/2 hours a day 5 days a week) I was told that with the amount of weight I had to lose I should try 3 hours 7 days a week!!!! WHO CAN DO THAT ON A DAILY BASIS!! Not only that my year was up and I couldn't afford the appointments anymore... $120.00 an appointment regardless if you got an adjustment...That was May 2010. I began to feel defeated....my fears were coming true...I had failed...I HAD FAILED...despite continuing to go through the motions and struggle I felt a great since of failure...not only that, everyone who knew I had the procedure could obviously see I failed..I had lost some weight..but not what was expected.

So almost 2 years later....what has changed??? ME....my desire to fight has been renewed...I encountered someone the other day, that frankly doesn't need a baby. This made me ANGRY..MORE ANGRY THAN I HAVE BEEN IN A REALLY LONG TIME...THE KIND OF ANGRY THAT MAKES YOU GET UP AND DO SOMETHING!!! I can't give up...If I'm going to lose this battle with my weight, and what I consider the ultimate battle of being able to have a child...I'M GOING DOWN WITH A FIGHT!! I have gone back to the doctor, in fact I have switch doctors...discovered I didn't fail...I was given a larger band that most and as a result..their is no way the amount of fill I have could begin to assist me!!! My doctor NEVER told me this... so I got a second opinion...I have healthy foods in my fridge...and to get my butt to the gym...I took the position of daycare worker from 6:15pm to 7:00pm M-F so that when the class is over, I am already at the gym and then MUST do the 7:00pm kickboxing class...because I can't very well work at gym now and not work out can I :0) So wish me luck... I go to the doctor on the 29th...I start the daycare at the gym tomorrow... and the healthy foods are in my fridge today...hopefully FACING MY FEARS will ultimately help you FACE YOURS!!!

THE STRUGGLE.....

The true struggle of making time for my self care has began!!! I am in the middle of my third week of juggling 3 graduate classes and work....turning my days into 10 to 14 hour "work" days!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my job...and I know I am blessed because not many people can say they love what they do all day everyday...and I am surviving school LOL!! This week I have reverted back to my old habits of finding myself waking up running all morning...looking up at the clock and its 3:00pm and I am starving because I haven't ate anything all day.

This has resulted in eating the first thing I can get my hands on and this week it has resulted in ......"The Egg" (nope..not the organic one)

Plenty of liquids, nope not water...(the caffeinated kind)

And yep you guessed it...NO EXERCISE!!!! Just as sedentary as a couch potato...just add desk with a computer in front of it and you have me at night doing homework....

This can't continue...I can not allow myself to remain in this state of self care neglect...I will be juggling this schedule for at least a full year and refuse to NOT meet my goals and REFUSE to look back at the end of 2012 reflecting on how things could have been different.....Good luck to all of you working and struggling to keep your self care a priority...you are not alone in your struggle....YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!

MY OTHER FAMILY.....

Okay well the past few days have gone well!!! Been on target with my eating AND EXERCISE...Woo Hoo!!! I have had to return to squeezing in the evening class and then returning to work or homework ...this is due to the 6:15pm class at Absolute Self Defense and Fitness in Killeen being SO AMAZING!! This group of owners, staff, and members are so wonderful. I can not express enough how far they all go to make members feel like family and to encourage them to keep pushing to reach their goals. If you ever have a chance to go by and visit them please do so...you will not regret it!!!

MAKE A MOVE!!!.....

Okay so when it comes to eating healthy and being active, I have the eating healthy thing down to an art. However, it is and always has been a challenge for me to GET MOVING!!! Of course..I always feel fabulous after and the scales always move faster when I exercise so WHY IS THAT NOT ENOUGH TO GET ME UP AND TO THE GYM OR PARK EVERY SINGLE DAY!?!? Yes I have a crazy, busy, madness schedule that does get in the way however, for me I don't feel that is enough of a reasonable excuse for me to do NO TYPE of exercise at some point in the day. I could at least do it at home late at night or something. As far as I am concerned my schedule always has been and always will be busy so being active just has to be something that is mandatory...I sure do make it mandatory to eat!!! LOL So to assist me with this I began a monthly competition with two of my employees that are right the opposite of me...they exercise everyday without fail however, they do not eat healthy everyday. What is at stake..$20.00...we each put in $20.00 and the winner gets the pot to use for anything they want..of course if you know me at all IT WILL BE GOING TOWARDS CLOTHES, SHOES, PEDICURE, OR A MANICURE!!!! So ask me have I exercised since Friday???...NO!!!! UGH...how frustrating..I am going today but only because I am off and have nothing else to do...WHAT A SHAME!!! This is my struggle...this is my weakness...this inability to GET MY BUTT UP AND MOVE on a daily basis is what keeps me from reaching my goal...so why is it, that being fully aware of this,that I don't just MOVE!?!?!